Lucifer laid there spinning in and out of consciousness. Pantagruel had only flicked him with his index finger, but I guess we could equate that to getting hit by a stampede of one hundred thousand galloping horses. Now having done enough damage, Pantagruel could have walked away from the scene, but he was ever so tempted to kick Lucifer while he was down. If he had literally done this, Lucifer would still be flying through the air as I write this story. Instead, he plucked 4 of his teeth out of his mouth and shoved them down his throat. Blood poured from his mouth, looking quite like the wine we had celebrated with after defeating the Cannibals. As Pantagruel sat up, grabbing onto Lucifer’s horn for assistance, the horn snapped. The horn lay in Pantagruel’s hand, looking quite harmless and small. It was not until the point at which Pantagruel returned the Devil’s absent horn by shoving it up his rump, that I realized the damage it was truly capable of inflicting. Pantagruel looked satisfied, watching the blood streaming from both the mouth and the ass holes of Lucifer, and signaled it was time to leave.
Now if you have been reading my beautiful evangelical texts, you should recall that our adventures have been contained within our earth. With the defeat of our ultimate enemy, Lucifer, there was little left to do on this earth. Pantagruel, with his head being so close to the other planets in our system, was particularly curious about what lay out there. The moon was the most intriguing, being only a couple thousand miles from Pantagruel’s head. There was also the question floating around as to whether this moon was in fact whole, as many claim that women have three of its quarters in their heads. Instead of cutting open a woman’s head to confirm this theory, Pantagruel suggested we take a journey to the moon to see for ourselves.
Now, how we were to take this journey was a mystery at first. Nobody had ever accomplished this mission, nor did they have any ideas about how to do it. So, for starters, I began rattling off suggestions.
“We could train five hundred thousand and fifty two birds to fly us to the moon, or maybe we could build wings for you, my Lord, and you could fly us to the moon. What if we built a ladder to the moon, or better yet, what if you threw me to the moon, and I cast down a ladder for you to climb to the moon? Or what if we told all of the other giants to climb on each other’s shoulders, and you climbed them as a ladder? That would work. No, I know what to do. We can build a catapult, and launch ourselves to the moon. That should surely work. Or maybe you, my Lord, could make a running jump and land us on the moon. Surely your legs are strong enough.”
“Alfycrobas, I cannot train birds, nor can you. Building wings large enough for me would take a century, and even then, I don’t know how to fly. The same goes for a ladder, and I don’t think it would be strong enough to support both your weight, and my weight. We both know giants have poor balance, and they would all topple over when I began to climb. The impact from landing after being shot by a catapult would kill us. The jumping idea, however, was good. Only one problem, I can only jump two hundred and thirty eight thousand miles. That is nine hundred miles short of the moon.
“I see my Lord. We shall keep thinking.”
“Alfycrobas, I can bring the moon closer to us. I will throw a spear attached to a rope and it will stick into the moon. Then, I will pull the rope nine hundred miles closer at which point I can make the jump. You need to ride in my lungs. There will be enough oxygen in there for you and me to last us our journey. I will take a breath and be able to hold it for two million five hundred forty eight thousand and eight hundred seconds. That should give us more than enough time to make it there and back.”
“Sounds good. Only we need to bring food and water as well,” I said.
“Ah yes, Alfycorbas, but didn’t you say that there is food growing in my gorge, in the town of Aspharagos?”
“Of course! How could I forget such a discovery. I will have to make sure they can produce enough food to feed you as well, my Lord.”
“No, no that isn’t necessary. I can eat enough in one sitting to last me forty days. I shall stay satisfied for the length of this journey. Now, are we prepared to leave?”
“I believe we are, my Lord.”
Pantagruel threw the spear, drew the moon closer, and leapt with all his might, landing us safely on the moon.
Pantagruel started running around the entire moon, looking to see if there were any chunks missing. I noticed that the moon had started spinning faster, as if he was running on a water wheel. His weight was so grand, that he was able to move the entire moon with each step. The moon began to also move with respect to the earth. We began orbiting the earth very fast. I started to notice that the earth was turning red. The blood of two hundred and fifty million women was spurting from their women parts throughout the whole world. It was being covered rapidly. I told Pantagruel to stop, but that sort of momentum takes days to slow down. So he kept running and the earth reached a bright red. You could no longer see the beautiful greens and blues, but a deep and dark red. I looked over at Mars and the earth was even more red. Turns out, pieces of the moon aren’t in women’s heads literally. But there does seem to be some sort of connection.
“My Lord, we should report back to the earth to share our discovery and tell the scientists,” I said.
“Yes agreed. Only one problem, the gravitational pull reset the moon 900 miles back. I can’t make the jump.”
FINIS.
My work exhibits the carnivalesque by (attempting to) create humor about the body. I include the Devil getting a horn stuck up his ass, exaggerations about the capabilities of Pantagruel’s body, and an exaggeration about the menstrual cycle of women. I would say my work is more so grotesque, as it includes a lot of blood, and references to the orphouses of the body. The description of Lucifer getting his teeth knocked out and a horn up his ass, the suggestion of cutting open a woman’s head to see if a piece of the moon is in there, and all of the women in the world menstruating at the end are all grotesque aspects of my work.
The body plays a significant role in my work. We have four main bodies, being Lucifer, Pantagruel, Alcofrybas (although not described), and the general women population. Each of these bodies, excluding Alcofribas are described as having something absurd done to them, or having an exaggerated function.
I imitated the style of Rabelais by using the extreme numbers to signal abundance. I used extreme numbers to describe mainly the capabilities of Pantagruel’s body, how hard he can kick, how crazy his strength is, how long he can hold his breath, how far he can jump, etc. I also attempted to try a long list like Rabelais writes, but I couldn’t come up with too many absurd ideas on how to get to the moon without any technology.
I thought this story was amazing! You incorporated a lot of the staples of Rabelais’ style in a super effective way. There were a lot of grotesque elements that contributed to the atmosphere of the story. I really liked the exaggerations you used- it really signaled towards the carnivalesque abundance prevalent in Rabelais’ work. This story definitely fits into the tone of Pantagruel and several times made me laugh so I think it’s super effective
Hi Liam!
This was a really great read! I really appreciated the attention you paid to Pantagruel’s body, and the grotesque atmosphere that emerged out of that. The intimate first person perspective was also really effective, as the narrator’s voice added to the story’s humor.